I know that it is a bit late for Mother's Day, but as much as I appreciate Hallmark Holidays and their reminders to show appreciation for our loved ones, I didn't get my Mother's Day blog posted in time...
Regardless, I am still incredibly thankful for my Mom and I wanted to honor her in this post. Being a mom is not as easy as it looks, apparently. And Mom, just like myself, did not come into this job knowing what to do.
"Fake it until you make it" doesn't really work with learning to be a mom. Every kid you have is different and even from the kid they themselves were two years ago. So, one would just have to keep faking it. I have found the more honest approach is to admit I do not know what I am doing and that I am moving forward the best I can.
Once in a while, however, I will get something right. Like going on a nature walk with my kids versus the perfectly sane alternative (take sane lightly). The alternative being- caging us all up most of the day while I obsess about wronging the rights in my imperfectly organized home.
Or the times I pause in my frantic tasks to actually listen to my son's description of the latest Spanish league football game. Or when I gently address my preschooler's fears instead of getting irritated by them.
"The fastest way to break the cycle of perfectionism and become a fearless mother is to give up the idea of doing it perfectly - indeed to embrace uncertainty and imperfection." Arianna Huffington
That's why when anyone's mom gets it right I like to take notice. Because I know when it happens that it is God's grace smiling down on us. Because those times are the times every mother wishes she could replicate over and over. Because just like me, every woman who has ever parented a child needs to hear that she is going to make it. That her efforts are salvageable.
More often than not, her children will see her more generously than she sees herself. They will see a more complete picture of who she is- through the eyes of love.
"My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her." George Washington
Every mom hopes her imperfections will be forgiven someday and her blunders were also stepping stones to the people her children have become. Through the examples of our mothers we learn to embrace our own imperfections and hopefully, accept our own beauty.
I love you, Mom Thanks for all of the sacrifices made.
A few things you "got right":
1. Modeling commitment to God and family
2. Showing me consistency in work and routine
3. Believing in my talents and abilities and encouraging me to pursue them
4. Insisting I leave home to go to college (an invaluable experience)
5. Raising me to love the great outdoors and the farm
6. Not placing an overemphasis on external beauty (read- teaching me to see deeper than skin)
Happy Belated Mother's Day to all and Thanks for reading!
Friday, May 15, 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Pentecostal Prattle
I haven't written for so long, I feel like there is rust in my brain. But I have to share that lately I have been having a Pentecost experience. I have been focusing once more on allowing the Holy Spirit to change my life instead of me and my ideas.
For a long time I have purposely avoided "the Spirit's leading" as I grew up traditionally knowing it-primarily an emotional roller coaster ride.
When I was a kid, the Holy Ghost - as he was referred to in the country churches I attended - was a constant focus. Without that focus you are taking away my childhood experience of God.
And I had such faith that the Spirit was there. I didn't question his existence at all.
My experience of him was as real as my experience of my family. He was there in every heartfelt song, in strong conviction of sin and in tears of joy.
25 years later and I still believe. But it's different. I've lived a little longer and have experienced more than I did when I was living in the protective bubble my parents formed around me. I've strayed more frequently throughout those years than I ever planned to stray.
I've also learned that emotions aren't everything- that every tug on my heart strings isn't necessarily the Holy Spirit. That every twinge of guilt isn't genuine conviction of sin. That every firm stance I take isn't necessarily backed by the Holy Spirit, no matter how morally right I may be.
I look back on my childhood and see the evidence of the Holy Spirit in my life. I also see the evidence of times when I was just being controlled or influenced by a crowd mentality and doing what everyone else around me was doing.
There were many God fearing people in my life but there were also many who just feared man. They made statements like "If you aren't feeling anything right now maybe you need to come to the altar" or "If you cannot praise God right now maybe you had better examine your relationship with God because that is all you are going to be doing for eternity in heaven".
I would guess that most of the congregation, like myself, didn't examine the motivation behind those statements. I frequently accepted whatever was said as the voice of God. I didn't see that many of those statements were because people were focused on being like others, being viewed as holy or on making everyone alike so everyone could feel comfortable. It wasn't really about "hindering" the work of the spirit. Sometimes it was about making emotions our God.
And at times the emotions were a genuine effect of the Spirit's presence.
I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit and I do believe that he is more real today than I ever did before. And my view of him has changed. I will never fully understand his mystery until I see face to face. But I know now that he speaks in many ways and he never uses manipulation. He doesn't need to. He doesn't force his power, his comfort on us. He offers it. And he waits for us to listen, he doesn't barge his way into our hearts.
In short, I have learned that the Holy Spirit may use my emotions but he isn't chained to them. He works with my intellect, my power of reasoning. Then again, there are times he works purely through my emotions, impressing something on my heart more than once until I finally decide it is He who speaks. Sometimes he leads me to do what I think is perfectly rational and other times He leads me to do what I think is just plain crazy.
He isn't very predictable. We cannot put him in our religious box and say that this group or that group is wrong. He is the lifeblood of the body. If we belong to Christ, we commune with His Spirit. And that doesn't require we be stoic. It doesn't require we be super-emotional. It doesn't require that we are Baptist or Pentecostal.
The only requirement is that we follow him. Not our own emotions, desires or the emotions and desires of others. That we stop and give him the lead in all we do. And that is different for everyone.
I don't know about you, but I'm glad I do not have to be in uniformity to follow the spirit. I just have to be in unity with the body of Christ.
For a long time I have purposely avoided "the Spirit's leading" as I grew up traditionally knowing it-primarily an emotional roller coaster ride.
When I was a kid, the Holy Ghost - as he was referred to in the country churches I attended - was a constant focus. Without that focus you are taking away my childhood experience of God.
And I had such faith that the Spirit was there. I didn't question his existence at all.
My experience of him was as real as my experience of my family. He was there in every heartfelt song, in strong conviction of sin and in tears of joy.
25 years later and I still believe. But it's different. I've lived a little longer and have experienced more than I did when I was living in the protective bubble my parents formed around me. I've strayed more frequently throughout those years than I ever planned to stray.
I've also learned that emotions aren't everything- that every tug on my heart strings isn't necessarily the Holy Spirit. That every twinge of guilt isn't genuine conviction of sin. That every firm stance I take isn't necessarily backed by the Holy Spirit, no matter how morally right I may be.
I look back on my childhood and see the evidence of the Holy Spirit in my life. I also see the evidence of times when I was just being controlled or influenced by a crowd mentality and doing what everyone else around me was doing.
There were many God fearing people in my life but there were also many who just feared man. They made statements like "If you aren't feeling anything right now maybe you need to come to the altar" or "If you cannot praise God right now maybe you had better examine your relationship with God because that is all you are going to be doing for eternity in heaven".
I would guess that most of the congregation, like myself, didn't examine the motivation behind those statements. I frequently accepted whatever was said as the voice of God. I didn't see that many of those statements were because people were focused on being like others, being viewed as holy or on making everyone alike so everyone could feel comfortable. It wasn't really about "hindering" the work of the spirit. Sometimes it was about making emotions our God.
And at times the emotions were a genuine effect of the Spirit's presence.
I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit and I do believe that he is more real today than I ever did before. And my view of him has changed. I will never fully understand his mystery until I see face to face. But I know now that he speaks in many ways and he never uses manipulation. He doesn't need to. He doesn't force his power, his comfort on us. He offers it. And he waits for us to listen, he doesn't barge his way into our hearts.
In short, I have learned that the Holy Spirit may use my emotions but he isn't chained to them. He works with my intellect, my power of reasoning. Then again, there are times he works purely through my emotions, impressing something on my heart more than once until I finally decide it is He who speaks. Sometimes he leads me to do what I think is perfectly rational and other times He leads me to do what I think is just plain crazy.
He isn't very predictable. We cannot put him in our religious box and say that this group or that group is wrong. He is the lifeblood of the body. If we belong to Christ, we commune with His Spirit. And that doesn't require we be stoic. It doesn't require we be super-emotional. It doesn't require that we are Baptist or Pentecostal.
The only requirement is that we follow him. Not our own emotions, desires or the emotions and desires of others. That we stop and give him the lead in all we do. And that is different for everyone.
I don't know about you, but I'm glad I do not have to be in uniformity to follow the spirit. I just have to be in unity with the body of Christ.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Day 24 of Silence When it Matters (Habits and looking ahead)"
My blogging during this 30 days has been very minimal...
I could give a list of excuses but I will not digress. I know you are busy and so I just want to say that this has been one of the best things I have ever done in my relationship with my son. I would like to say that it has been a huge success and that every day mirrored day one (which was a like a breath of fresh air). But the reality is- I do not have any miraculous transformation to report. In fact, for the past week or more- the 30 days were frequently forgotten by myself as I slipped back into patterns of reminding, nagging, threatening, etc. Not exactly a model of reality discipline or love and logic or whatever you want to call it.
All is not a total loss, however. And if you think about it, it never is. In the words of Winston: "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts."
So, with the courage that every parent has somewhere inside- I press on toward being the mother I have always wanted to be despite my failure.
One thing I have learned is that when it come to changing a habit ... I must live moment by moment. I cannot say- "I will never nag again from this day forward". I cannot even say "I will never nag during this entire week." I must say as each situation arises- " I will not nag right now. I will do (fill in the blank) instead."
For me, this has become about change of thinking - recognizing that my failures are products of habits that I have developed, habits that do not recognize that I am a parent, not a saviour and certainly not the Saviour. That I am finite. I have limits. I have places where I cannot go- I cannot go into the recesses of my children's hearts and I cannot change them.
I must think about myself. I must control my own thinking - taking every thought captive for the kingdom without end. I must control my own attitude. I cannot do this for anyone but myself. That is what I am learning over and over as I fight to change my habits as a parent. I learn it over and over in every failure, and yes, in the few times I get it right. And I know that I will get there.
And so will you...God has given us control of our own minds, thinking and attitudes. What a wonderful gift! Press on my friend.
Focus for the last six days... LIVE IN THE MOMENT. HABITS ARE CHANGED BY SMALL DEGREES, NOT IN AN INSTANT.
"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself." Rumi
Monday, January 20, 2014
Day 6 of Silence when it Matters - INTERRUPTIONS
I don't have much time to blog today except to "say" this...
Interruptions are opportunities.
Every mother has a myriad of opportunities each day...
For me they often come in the form of a bubbly two year old asking, "Do you want to play princess, Mommy" or "Will you play Play Dough with me?"
Or in the form of a ten year old boy with a cowlick talking incessantly about "Clash of Clans" or details about the latest book he is reading (when he comes up for air).
Or my friend calling and needing a babysitter today because hers bailed last minute and she is on the job.
Or my son and his cousin counterpart leaving the light on in the Subaru and draining the battery so that I have to take time to find the charger and leave it plugged in for several hours before I can rush off to town and buy goat feed for two goats who undoubtedly feel they are starving despite piles of hay and fresh water...
Interruptions are blessing in disguise. Opportunities for God to teach me and my children the importance of patience, listening, loving.
My daughter is calling for someone to play Play Dough. Gotta run:)
"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or 'real' life. The truth is of course is that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life- the life God is sending one day by day." C.S. Lewis
Day 5 of 30 days of Silence when it matters
So, I had good intentions when I decided to do 30 day of no nagging, criticizing, scolding, lecturing, reminding or rescuing- in a nutshell, to use reality discipline.
I have a lovely draft saved on my blog regarding planning ahead for moments when reality discipline doesn't seem to work for my family (like for whenever we leave the house for anything that requires us to get somewhere by a specific time) I have paragraphs upon paragraphs of me analyzing why things have deteriorated in days 2-4 of my 30 days. It is really quite a clever blog about reality discipline principles...
But now that it is 3:47 a.m. in the morning I think that the Holy Spirit was able to get my attention using the tool of my bladder urging me awake of all things. I went to bed last night discouraged and thinking I should have never been a parent. Yeah, the last several days were that bad.
A little sleep goes a long way - so does a little mercy. God heard me in my prayers yesterday as I complained about my failures and pleaded for some understanding (somewhere in there) and prayed for forgiveness for once again failing to do seemingly anything right in my role as a mother. And about 15 minutes ago he gave me my answer for my plea for understanding.
It is something I have discussed over and over with my friend, Charmaine. It all boils down to one word: empathy.
"The ability to understand and share the feelings of another."
My 30 days of focusing on reality discipline in a nutshell- no nagging, criticizing, scolding, lecturing, reminding or rescuing- is a worthy goal that I will continue to pursue. But the heart of the matter for me is being willing to be empathetic and embrace the failures of my children and myself.
You see, all of my life has been about performance. Through performance I have been deceived that I was worthy or unworthy (depending on my ability to produce results).
In truth, performance does matter. It matters in the work place. It matters in relationships because what you do sends the message about who you are and how you feel towards another. But maybe it should only matter in our relationships as a way of gauging what kind of messages our family and friends might be receiving by our actions. Maybe we should use it as a tool to examine our motives versus a tool to judge the actions of others.
Performance cannot be the basis of our relationships with spouses, children, family, friends, strangers, etc. A poor performance based on our standards need not limit love. Why? Because with God it is possible to love even the most unlovable. And with God it is possible to forgive the unforgiveable. And with God we can recognize our own brokenness and our own need for love and forgiveness. And we can then receive that love and forgiveness God offers to all of us and in turn offer it to our children, family, friends, neighbors, and yes, even our enemies.
If you read any of Dr. Kevin Lehman's books (and I highly recommend them) or any of the materials of Parenting By Design (I love them!!- check them out www.parentingbydesign.com) then you know that empathy must be part of reality based parenting. You also will be reminded that failure is a good thing.
If you struggle with empathy or there is some other reason you feel you haven't quite got your parenting legs under you yet, then I hope you will join me today as I do one thing:
Absolutely Nothing Right Away. That's right. I am going to sit back and when my child does something that triggers the opposite of empathy inside of me I am going to do nothing right away but pray and ask God for what my response should be next. Because my child's day need not be void of empathy. My child's life need not be about always being right and never needing or wanting or making mistakes. And that is reality if I choose to yield to Christ and his reality.
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32, ESV
I have a lovely draft saved on my blog regarding planning ahead for moments when reality discipline doesn't seem to work for my family (like for whenever we leave the house for anything that requires us to get somewhere by a specific time) I have paragraphs upon paragraphs of me analyzing why things have deteriorated in days 2-4 of my 30 days. It is really quite a clever blog about reality discipline principles...
But now that it is 3:47 a.m. in the morning I think that the Holy Spirit was able to get my attention using the tool of my bladder urging me awake of all things. I went to bed last night discouraged and thinking I should have never been a parent. Yeah, the last several days were that bad.
A little sleep goes a long way - so does a little mercy. God heard me in my prayers yesterday as I complained about my failures and pleaded for some understanding (somewhere in there) and prayed for forgiveness for once again failing to do seemingly anything right in my role as a mother. And about 15 minutes ago he gave me my answer for my plea for understanding.
It is something I have discussed over and over with my friend, Charmaine. It all boils down to one word: empathy.
"The ability to understand and share the feelings of another."
My 30 days of focusing on reality discipline in a nutshell- no nagging, criticizing, scolding, lecturing, reminding or rescuing- is a worthy goal that I will continue to pursue. But the heart of the matter for me is being willing to be empathetic and embrace the failures of my children and myself.
You see, all of my life has been about performance. Through performance I have been deceived that I was worthy or unworthy (depending on my ability to produce results).
In truth, performance does matter. It matters in the work place. It matters in relationships because what you do sends the message about who you are and how you feel towards another. But maybe it should only matter in our relationships as a way of gauging what kind of messages our family and friends might be receiving by our actions. Maybe we should use it as a tool to examine our motives versus a tool to judge the actions of others.
Performance cannot be the basis of our relationships with spouses, children, family, friends, strangers, etc. A poor performance based on our standards need not limit love. Why? Because with God it is possible to love even the most unlovable. And with God it is possible to forgive the unforgiveable. And with God we can recognize our own brokenness and our own need for love and forgiveness. And we can then receive that love and forgiveness God offers to all of us and in turn offer it to our children, family, friends, neighbors, and yes, even our enemies.
If you read any of Dr. Kevin Lehman's books (and I highly recommend them) or any of the materials of Parenting By Design (I love them!!- check them out www.parentingbydesign.com) then you know that empathy must be part of reality based parenting. You also will be reminded that failure is a good thing.
If you struggle with empathy or there is some other reason you feel you haven't quite got your parenting legs under you yet, then I hope you will join me today as I do one thing:
Absolutely Nothing Right Away. That's right. I am going to sit back and when my child does something that triggers the opposite of empathy inside of me I am going to do nothing right away but pray and ask God for what my response should be next. Because my child's day need not be void of empathy. My child's life need not be about always being right and never needing or wanting or making mistakes. And that is reality if I choose to yield to Christ and his reality.
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32, ESV
Day 3 of Silence (when it matters)...Galatians 6
It is only 7:19 in the morning and probably the only time I will have to update you on the third day of my journey of silence ( from nagging, scolding, criticizing, reminding and rescuing) as a parent.
Of course, the by-product of that I allow reality to teach life's lessons instead of speaking so loudly that my children cannot hear them.
As I suspected today is already proving to be a challenge - for me and my son.
The challenge with reality discipline is letting go of perceived control of my child's actions and settling for influence (check out parenting by design website: www.parentingbydesign.com). The people of Parenting by Design talk about giving up perceived control and trading that for influence over your kids.
No one completely controls anyone. If you were raised in a strict home you may have come away with the notion that you can make your child make the right choices and keep your child from making mistakes. Although having your child make right choices is a noble goal it is an exaggerated idea of one's own powers to believe that you can make this happen. That is not reality. And keeping your child from making mistakes is obviously not reality anyway. But that hasn't kept me from trying to do so anyway.
What seems like the easiest thing when it comes to parenting is the thing that makes our lives the most miserable at times. It is really the power of habit nurtured by our selfish desires to have things our way versus making new paths for our feet to follow.
New paths are being made...
"See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19, NIV
Of course, the by-product of that I allow reality to teach life's lessons instead of speaking so loudly that my children cannot hear them.
As I suspected today is already proving to be a challenge - for me and my son.
The challenge with reality discipline is letting go of perceived control of my child's actions and settling for influence (check out parenting by design website: www.parentingbydesign.com). The people of Parenting by Design talk about giving up perceived control and trading that for influence over your kids.
No one completely controls anyone. If you were raised in a strict home you may have come away with the notion that you can make your child make the right choices and keep your child from making mistakes. Although having your child make right choices is a noble goal it is an exaggerated idea of one's own powers to believe that you can make this happen. That is not reality. And keeping your child from making mistakes is obviously not reality anyway. But that hasn't kept me from trying to do so anyway.
What seems like the easiest thing when it comes to parenting is the thing that makes our lives the most miserable at times. It is really the power of habit nurtured by our selfish desires to have things our way versus making new paths for our feet to follow.
New paths are being made...
"See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19, NIV
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Day 1 of Silence....Midday reflection
So, let me just start by saying that this day has gone extremely well compared to the last, well, four or five years!! That may be a slight exxageration, but only slight.
My decision and public commitment to refrain from any criticism and other negative talk such as nagging, lecturing, etc. is going to be a huge milestone in my life. I can see it already, even if my child doesn't behave the way I would like. It is already causing growing pains and with those pains an elusive peace seems to be whispering around the edges of my day...
I think God knew that the first half of the day had to be a good one or I wouldn't stick with it. I am so thankful that I decided to do this. Ask me another day and I may not be so eager.
Anyway, here are a few observations about some things that were different in our home this morning when it came to my behavior and my son's. Remember as you read this that I also have made a committment to refrain from reminding him to do things constantly and/or rescuing him from the consequences if he doesn't (in other words NO MICRO-MANAGING). I also have committed to give him consequences that are given in a calm, positive manner when necessary and just let reality do the teaching - which is much easier to do when you have decided only to be loving and kind when you speak.
1. I did not tell my son to get his Math book ready nor did I ask him to get his pencil and scrap paper when it came time for his online tutoring session. He started his session as I headed for the shower with a yell "Mom, can you get my book?" and I politely told him that I needed to get in the shower and could he go get it please. Since I was already in the bathroom with the door shut and he was on the spot with the tutor he had to rush out and find the stuff himself. He didn't waste any time! This was so much less stressful for me than barking orders and running around to find his stuff for him all the while! I suspect he will soon learn to be ready so that the tutor does not have to wait. He hates to make her wait as evidenced by his embarassment if I linger for even a second when she wants to talk to me.
2. I did not tell my son to get dressed to feed goats. I told him I planned to be out of the house by 10:15 a.m. (yes, I know we missed the early to bed and early to rise to feed animals part of farming) I started to dress my two year old daughter and myself. He kept talking and playing as usual. As I started to wrap up getting us ready he suddenly said "I've got to get dressed." I didn't make a reply. I just started out the door when I was ready. He then informed me that he had a few things to put on and I said fine and that we would go ahead and get out the door. We started walking to the barn right away without waiting for him. A few minutes later he met up with us and was at the barn at the same time we were.
3. While at the barn, he decided that he would refuse to move the goats to another stall if I asked him to and he informed me of that. Typical response for me would be to say "yes, you are because I said and that is that." Which at first glance doesn't seem like a bad thing to say, but I know that my son is very timid with animals. The goats are new and he is afraid of them. I decided on the spot that I would move them individually without his help if he was afraid and told him so. I did something new for me- instead of pulling out the I'm in authority over you because I am your mother card, I decided to show empathy. Imagine that. Something so simple made our time at the barn much calmer and less fraught with conflict.
Other unexpected outcomes this morning:
I have more time to do chores when I am not nagging!
My son has already responded positively by laughing more and being more relaxed.
I'll be posting more in the days to come. Please share if you are taking this journey with me as a parent or even in your role as a spouse or friend.
I leave you with this thought. Controlling parents are afraid. Afraid of losing face. Afraid of losing their children's love. Afraid of their children's mistakes and afraid of their own.
"We are brought up, unfortunately, to think that nobody should make mistakes. Most children get de-genuised by the love and fear of their parents- that they might make a mistake. But all my advances were made by mistakes." Buckminster Fuller
My decision and public commitment to refrain from any criticism and other negative talk such as nagging, lecturing, etc. is going to be a huge milestone in my life. I can see it already, even if my child doesn't behave the way I would like. It is already causing growing pains and with those pains an elusive peace seems to be whispering around the edges of my day...
I think God knew that the first half of the day had to be a good one or I wouldn't stick with it. I am so thankful that I decided to do this. Ask me another day and I may not be so eager.
Anyway, here are a few observations about some things that were different in our home this morning when it came to my behavior and my son's. Remember as you read this that I also have made a committment to refrain from reminding him to do things constantly and/or rescuing him from the consequences if he doesn't (in other words NO MICRO-MANAGING). I also have committed to give him consequences that are given in a calm, positive manner when necessary and just let reality do the teaching - which is much easier to do when you have decided only to be loving and kind when you speak.
1. I did not tell my son to get his Math book ready nor did I ask him to get his pencil and scrap paper when it came time for his online tutoring session. He started his session as I headed for the shower with a yell "Mom, can you get my book?" and I politely told him that I needed to get in the shower and could he go get it please. Since I was already in the bathroom with the door shut and he was on the spot with the tutor he had to rush out and find the stuff himself. He didn't waste any time! This was so much less stressful for me than barking orders and running around to find his stuff for him all the while! I suspect he will soon learn to be ready so that the tutor does not have to wait. He hates to make her wait as evidenced by his embarassment if I linger for even a second when she wants to talk to me.
2. I did not tell my son to get dressed to feed goats. I told him I planned to be out of the house by 10:15 a.m. (yes, I know we missed the early to bed and early to rise to feed animals part of farming) I started to dress my two year old daughter and myself. He kept talking and playing as usual. As I started to wrap up getting us ready he suddenly said "I've got to get dressed." I didn't make a reply. I just started out the door when I was ready. He then informed me that he had a few things to put on and I said fine and that we would go ahead and get out the door. We started walking to the barn right away without waiting for him. A few minutes later he met up with us and was at the barn at the same time we were.
3. While at the barn, he decided that he would refuse to move the goats to another stall if I asked him to and he informed me of that. Typical response for me would be to say "yes, you are because I said and that is that." Which at first glance doesn't seem like a bad thing to say, but I know that my son is very timid with animals. The goats are new and he is afraid of them. I decided on the spot that I would move them individually without his help if he was afraid and told him so. I did something new for me- instead of pulling out the I'm in authority over you because I am your mother card, I decided to show empathy. Imagine that. Something so simple made our time at the barn much calmer and less fraught with conflict.
Other unexpected outcomes this morning:
I have more time to do chores when I am not nagging!
My son has already responded positively by laughing more and being more relaxed.
I'll be posting more in the days to come. Please share if you are taking this journey with me as a parent or even in your role as a spouse or friend.
I leave you with this thought. Controlling parents are afraid. Afraid of losing face. Afraid of losing their children's love. Afraid of their children's mistakes and afraid of their own.
"We are brought up, unfortunately, to think that nobody should make mistakes. Most children get de-genuised by the love and fear of their parents- that they might make a mistake. But all my advances were made by mistakes." Buckminster Fuller
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
30 days of SILENCE...the Experiment
Today I decided to give my son a gift, one that requires a bit of sacrifice on my part. I give him the gift of keeping my mouth shut.
"A day of silence can be a pilgrimage in itself." Hafez
Anyone who is extremely close to me knows that this is a painful thing for me. I show love by the words I speak. I feel love through the words others speak to me. It is my primary love language. As strange and dysfunctional as it seems, even the negative things I speak are often spoken because I love someone.
I have known for a long time that my penchant for words is working against me in my relationship with my pre-adolescent boy. And tonight I make the commitment to give up my habits and likes so that my son can find his way without my constant nagging, criticism, commands, praise, instructions, advice, ideas, etc., etc. I of course, will still have to speak to function in my home and in society. I am talking about ceasing from any type of negative or micro-managing speech.
I'm not talking about letting him parent himself. The same rules will still be in place in our house. He is still expected to fulfill his chores and schoolwork before he watches TV or plays video games. His pets and farm animals will still need care. I will still expect that he treat us and others with respect.
What different will silence make? For once I will not be doing all of the talking. Maybe my son will be able to find his own voice if he isn't constantly hearing mine. And maybe he will actually do something on his own and feel proud of himself because Mom didn't stand over him and give him instructions every step of the way!
"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu
And more importantly, maybe he will have room for listening to God if Mom isn't doing all the talking.
And I also hope that through this 30 days he will begin to have fun with me again, will begin to be more open and talk to me more and will be reminded that he truly is loved. Just the way he is. . .Even if he doesn't follow the rules.
Isn't that really what we all want? Unconditional Love?
I wonder how many adults feel empty for lack of acceptance. I know I have at times in my life. But there is always someone there who will give that love if we are open to it. For me it was my husband. My friend Missy comes to mind. I have never felt pressured around her to be anybody but me. That doesn't say that my other friendships aren't as valuable to me. They are. But there is something special about that friend who just lets you be you. No explanations or excuses required. I cannot say I have been that friend to anyone on a consistent basis.
And most of all, children have accepted me for who I am, especially my own. Unfortunately that capacity seems to shrink with age, probably for lack of better role models. I say this not pointing a finger, except to myself. It is perhaps my greatest failing as a mother.
The past aside now...30 days begin tomorrow. I need your prayers dear friends. Especially that those destructive things we call "expectations" don't get in the way!
If you have a rocky road with anyone in your life and would like to embark on this 30 days of silence with me, then I would love to hear from you. Please leave your comments or e-mails and let me know what is happening as you work through the 30 days.
"Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing." William S. Burroughs
"A day of silence can be a pilgrimage in itself." Hafez
Anyone who is extremely close to me knows that this is a painful thing for me. I show love by the words I speak. I feel love through the words others speak to me. It is my primary love language. As strange and dysfunctional as it seems, even the negative things I speak are often spoken because I love someone.
I have known for a long time that my penchant for words is working against me in my relationship with my pre-adolescent boy. And tonight I make the commitment to give up my habits and likes so that my son can find his way without my constant nagging, criticism, commands, praise, instructions, advice, ideas, etc., etc. I of course, will still have to speak to function in my home and in society. I am talking about ceasing from any type of negative or micro-managing speech.
I'm not talking about letting him parent himself. The same rules will still be in place in our house. He is still expected to fulfill his chores and schoolwork before he watches TV or plays video games. His pets and farm animals will still need care. I will still expect that he treat us and others with respect.
What different will silence make? For once I will not be doing all of the talking. Maybe my son will be able to find his own voice if he isn't constantly hearing mine. And maybe he will actually do something on his own and feel proud of himself because Mom didn't stand over him and give him instructions every step of the way!
"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu
And more importantly, maybe he will have room for listening to God if Mom isn't doing all the talking.
And I also hope that through this 30 days he will begin to have fun with me again, will begin to be more open and talk to me more and will be reminded that he truly is loved. Just the way he is. . .Even if he doesn't follow the rules.
Isn't that really what we all want? Unconditional Love?
I wonder how many adults feel empty for lack of acceptance. I know I have at times in my life. But there is always someone there who will give that love if we are open to it. For me it was my husband. My friend Missy comes to mind. I have never felt pressured around her to be anybody but me. That doesn't say that my other friendships aren't as valuable to me. They are. But there is something special about that friend who just lets you be you. No explanations or excuses required. I cannot say I have been that friend to anyone on a consistent basis.
And most of all, children have accepted me for who I am, especially my own. Unfortunately that capacity seems to shrink with age, probably for lack of better role models. I say this not pointing a finger, except to myself. It is perhaps my greatest failing as a mother.
The past aside now...30 days begin tomorrow. I need your prayers dear friends. Especially that those destructive things we call "expectations" don't get in the way!
If you have a rocky road with anyone in your life and would like to embark on this 30 days of silence with me, then I would love to hear from you. Please leave your comments or e-mails and let me know what is happening as you work through the 30 days.
"Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing." William S. Burroughs
Saturday, January 11, 2014
I will give you rest...
I struggle through the day and feel like a lead weight is on my chest. And I wonder why the laundry pile has grown so much. I feel like the walls of my single-wide are closing in on me. But I need to be here right now - not just present but sharing my presence with two beautiful children as we wrap up our week. They need me to hug and encourage and play and cook and clean and love and read. And there is no one else to do it but me. No one else will fill my place. And the TV is a poor substitute, and my impatient answers are wearing on my tender toddler's heart and my pre-adolescent's morale.
My mother never told me that being a Mom is a sacrifice. I just assumed that loving your children was enough and you would find it easy to cook and clean and wash and fold and listen and cry with your kids. It would just come naturally. And maybe for some women it does, I don't know. But for me I find that motherhood is a hill. The view is beautiful with so much to see. But my selfishness weighs me down and prevents me from climbing with all the effort I should. My inadequacy mocks to me from the point that I'll never make it to the top and be able to look back down with any sense of accomplishment. My body gets tired. The spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is weak.
As I sit looking at the white space waiting for more words- words beautiful, wise and inspiring, I realize that the wisest thing I can do right now is go to sleep. Early. So I can wake up with the flesh revived and more disciplined. So my spirit can keep in step with His Spirit. Because my sacrifice is really a sacrifice for Him. And my fleshly attempts at mothering are really nothing. Only he can make my life something worthwhile- his love, his gentleness, his kindness, meekness, temperance, and long-suffering. His Joy. It is really not about my efforts. It is about my willingness to learn and be still in the presence of His wisdom. Starting with a good night's sleep...
Good nite sweet kids. May God be a mother through me tomorrow that I can never be on my own.
My mother never told me that being a Mom is a sacrifice. I just assumed that loving your children was enough and you would find it easy to cook and clean and wash and fold and listen and cry with your kids. It would just come naturally. And maybe for some women it does, I don't know. But for me I find that motherhood is a hill. The view is beautiful with so much to see. But my selfishness weighs me down and prevents me from climbing with all the effort I should. My inadequacy mocks to me from the point that I'll never make it to the top and be able to look back down with any sense of accomplishment. My body gets tired. The spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is weak.
As I sit looking at the white space waiting for more words- words beautiful, wise and inspiring, I realize that the wisest thing I can do right now is go to sleep. Early. So I can wake up with the flesh revived and more disciplined. So my spirit can keep in step with His Spirit. Because my sacrifice is really a sacrifice for Him. And my fleshly attempts at mothering are really nothing. Only he can make my life something worthwhile- his love, his gentleness, his kindness, meekness, temperance, and long-suffering. His Joy. It is really not about my efforts. It is about my willingness to learn and be still in the presence of His wisdom. Starting with a good night's sleep...
Good nite sweet kids. May God be a mother through me tomorrow that I can never be on my own.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Moments to Remember
A cold promise of winter on the calendar and on the breeze- inhaled as I sit in the middle of a trampoline wondering why I didn't wear boot socks instead of no shows. My children laugh so easily and jump and run around me and I try to catch their lightheartedness in the breath I inhale.
We play popcorn with me in the middle. But their feather weights barely bounce me from the mat. My son laughs uproariously at my slightest movement. My daughter giggles with delight and plays with my toboggan (or knit cap as my Sweet Yankee calls it).
Despite their flesh born sin they laugh easily, having not yet acquired the habit of not laughing. They hope easily, having not yet acquired the habit of doubting. They bounce high, their troubles forgotten for the moment. They want to love easily, having not yet acquired the habit of pulling away. They trust easily, having not acquired the habit of holding hurts like treasures and fear like a shield.
Their laughter swirls around my anxiety and floats away into the wind, a fragrant offering. Joy in the midst of death...decaying leaves, dormant life and quiet forest. Joy in the midst of the aching. God in the flesh. Light in the dark. Love in a hurting world.
We also clean a mouldering horse stall, gather hay for the bunny and sawdust for its pen, hand pick grass that is just out of the draft horse's reach, we pet her velvety nose and scratch under her forelock in the weak winter sun. I take picture of the kids petting the Australian Sheperd and enjoying the peacefulness that eminates from him-showing us how to be and simply enjoy the moment. Existing in the presence. Casting our cares.
When I turn indoors and the whines and siblings squabbles threaten to overwhelm me, I'll remember this moment- a wonderful combination of static and rosy cheeks and runny noses and laughter. I'll remember the smell of the horse and the gentle way the dog lay his head on my little girl's lap, and my son's tentative enjoyment of the animals. I'll remember the quiet lessons and grab onto them with my mind and hold on. And if I forget by tomorrow I'll get the kids out in God's creation again and help myself remember once more.
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