Today I decided to give my son a gift, one that requires a bit of sacrifice on my part. I give him the gift of keeping my mouth shut.
"A day of silence can be a pilgrimage in itself." Hafez
Anyone who is extremely close to me knows that this is a painful thing for me. I show love by the words I speak. I feel love through the words others speak to me. It is my primary love language. As strange and dysfunctional as it seems, even the negative things I speak are often spoken because I love someone.
I have known for a long time that my penchant for words is working against me in my relationship with my pre-adolescent boy. And tonight I make the commitment to give up my habits and likes so that my son can find his way without my constant nagging, criticism, commands, praise, instructions, advice, ideas, etc., etc. I of course, will still have to speak to function in my home and in society. I am talking about ceasing from any type of negative or micro-managing speech.
I'm not talking about letting him parent himself. The same rules will still be in place in our house. He is still expected to fulfill his chores and schoolwork before he watches TV or plays video games. His pets and farm animals will still need care. I will still expect that he treat us and others with respect.
What different will silence make? For once I will not be doing all of the talking. Maybe my son will be able to find his own voice if he isn't constantly hearing mine. And maybe he will actually do something on his own and feel proud of himself because Mom didn't stand over him and give him instructions every step of the way!
"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu
And more importantly, maybe he will have room for listening to God if Mom isn't doing all the talking.
And I also hope that through this 30 days he will begin to have fun with me again, will begin to be more open and talk to me more and will be reminded that he truly is loved. Just the way he is. . .Even if he doesn't follow the rules.
Isn't that really what we all want? Unconditional Love?
I wonder how many adults feel empty for lack of acceptance. I know I have at times in my life. But there is always someone there who will give that love if we are open to it. For me it was my husband. My friend Missy comes to mind. I have never felt pressured around her to be anybody but me. That doesn't say that my other friendships aren't as valuable to me. They are. But there is something special about that friend who just lets you be you. No explanations or excuses required. I cannot say I have been that friend to anyone on a consistent basis.
And most of all, children have accepted me for who I am, especially my own. Unfortunately that capacity seems to shrink with age, probably for lack of better role models. I say this not pointing a finger, except to myself. It is perhaps my greatest failing as a mother.
The past aside now...30 days begin tomorrow. I need your prayers dear friends. Especially that those destructive things we call "expectations" don't get in the way!
If you have a rocky road with anyone in your life and would like to embark on this 30 days of silence with me, then I would love to hear from you. Please leave your comments or e-mails and let me know what is happening as you work through the 30 days.
"Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing." William S. Burroughs
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