I will give you rest...

I struggle through the day and feel like a lead weight is on my chest.  And I wonder why the laundry pile has grown so much.  I feel like the walls of my single-wide are closing in on me.  But I need to be here right now - not just present but sharing my presence with two beautiful children as we wrap up our week.  They need me to hug and encourage and play and cook and clean and love and read.  And there is no one else to do it but me.  No one else will fill my place.  And the TV is a poor substitute, and my impatient answers are wearing on my tender toddler's heart and my pre-adolescent's morale.

My mother never told me that being a Mom is a sacrifice.  I just assumed that loving your children was enough and you would find it easy to cook and clean and wash and fold and listen and cry with your kids.  It would just come naturally.  And maybe for some women it does, I don't know.  But for me I find that motherhood is a hill.  The view is beautiful with so much to see.  But my selfishness weighs me down and prevents me from climbing with all the effort I should.  My inadequacy mocks to me from the point that I'll never make it to the top and be able to look back down with any sense of accomplishment.  My body gets tired.  The spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is weak.

As I sit looking at the white space waiting for more words- words beautiful, wise and inspiring, I realize that the wisest thing I can do right now is go to sleep.  Early.  So I can wake up with the flesh revived and more disciplined.  So my spirit can keep in step with His Spirit.  Because my sacrifice is really a sacrifice for Him.  And my fleshly attempts at mothering are really nothing.  Only he can make my life something worthwhile- his love, his gentleness, his kindness, meekness, temperance, and long-suffering.  His Joy.  It is really not about my efforts.  It is about my willingness to learn and be still in the presence of His wisdom.  Starting with a good night's sleep...

Good nite sweet kids.  May God be a mother through me tomorrow that I can never be on my own.