So, let me just start by saying that this day has gone extremely well compared to the last, well, four or five years!! That may be a slight exxageration, but only slight.
My decision and public commitment to refrain from any criticism and other negative talk such as nagging, lecturing, etc. is going to be a huge milestone in my life. I can see it already, even if my child doesn't behave the way I would like. It is already causing growing pains and with those pains an elusive peace seems to be whispering around the edges of my day...
I think God knew that the first half of the day had to be a good one or I wouldn't stick with it. I am so thankful that I decided to do this. Ask me another day and I may not be so eager.
Anyway, here are a few observations about some things that were different in our home this morning when it came to my behavior and my son's. Remember as you read this that I also have made a committment to refrain from reminding him to do things constantly and/or rescuing him from the consequences if he doesn't (in other words NO MICRO-MANAGING). I also have committed to give him consequences that are given in a calm, positive manner when necessary and just let reality do the teaching - which is much easier to do when you have decided only to be loving and kind when you speak.
1. I did not tell my son to get his Math book ready nor did I ask him to get his pencil and scrap paper when it came time for his online tutoring session. He started his session as I headed for the shower with a yell "Mom, can you get my book?" and I politely told him that I needed to get in the shower and could he go get it please. Since I was already in the bathroom with the door shut and he was on the spot with the tutor he had to rush out and find the stuff himself. He didn't waste any time! This was so much less stressful for me than barking orders and running around to find his stuff for him all the while! I suspect he will soon learn to be ready so that the tutor does not have to wait. He hates to make her wait as evidenced by his embarassment if I linger for even a second when she wants to talk to me.
2. I did not tell my son to get dressed to feed goats. I told him I planned to be out of the house by 10:15 a.m. (yes, I know we missed the early to bed and early to rise to feed animals part of farming) I started to dress my two year old daughter and myself. He kept talking and playing as usual. As I started to wrap up getting us ready he suddenly said "I've got to get dressed." I didn't make a reply. I just started out the door when I was ready. He then informed me that he had a few things to put on and I said fine and that we would go ahead and get out the door. We started walking to the barn right away without waiting for him. A few minutes later he met up with us and was at the barn at the same time we were.
3. While at the barn, he decided that he would refuse to move the goats to another stall if I asked him to and he informed me of that. Typical response for me would be to say "yes, you are because I said and that is that." Which at first glance doesn't seem like a bad thing to say, but I know that my son is very timid with animals. The goats are new and he is afraid of them. I decided on the spot that I would move them individually without his help if he was afraid and told him so. I did something new for me- instead of pulling out the I'm in authority over you because I am your mother card, I decided to show empathy. Imagine that. Something so simple made our time at the barn much calmer and less fraught with conflict.
Other unexpected outcomes this morning:
I have more time to do chores when I am not nagging!
My son has already responded positively by laughing more and being more relaxed.
I'll be posting more in the days to come. Please share if you are taking this journey with me as a parent or even in your role as a spouse or friend.
I leave you with this thought. Controlling parents are afraid. Afraid of losing face. Afraid of losing their children's love. Afraid of their children's mistakes and afraid of their own.
"We are brought up, unfortunately, to think that nobody should make mistakes. Most children get de-genuised by the love and fear of their parents- that they might make a mistake. But all my advances were made by mistakes." Buckminster Fuller
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