So, I had good intentions when I decided to do 30 day of no nagging, criticizing, scolding, lecturing, reminding or rescuing- in a nutshell, to use reality discipline.
I have a lovely draft saved on my blog regarding planning ahead for moments when reality discipline doesn't seem to work for my family (like for whenever we leave the house for anything that requires us to get somewhere by a specific time) I have paragraphs upon paragraphs of me analyzing why things have deteriorated in days 2-4 of my 30 days. It is really quite a clever blog about reality discipline principles...
But now that it is 3:47 a.m. in the morning I think that the Holy Spirit was able to get my attention using the tool of my bladder urging me awake of all things. I went to bed last night discouraged and thinking I should have never been a parent. Yeah, the last several days were that bad.
A little sleep goes a long way - so does a little mercy. God heard me in my prayers yesterday as I complained about my failures and pleaded for some understanding (somewhere in there) and prayed for forgiveness for once again failing to do seemingly anything right in my role as a mother. And about 15 minutes ago he gave me my answer for my plea for understanding.
It is something I have discussed over and over with my friend, Charmaine. It all boils down to one word: empathy.
"The ability to understand and share the feelings of another."
My 30 days of focusing on reality discipline in a nutshell- no nagging, criticizing, scolding, lecturing, reminding or rescuing- is a worthy goal that I will continue to pursue. But the heart of the matter for me is being willing to be empathetic and embrace the failures of my children and myself.
You see, all of my life has been about performance. Through performance I have been deceived that I was worthy or unworthy (depending on my ability to produce results).
In truth, performance does matter. It matters in the work place. It matters in relationships because what you do sends the message about who you are and how you feel towards another. But maybe it should only matter in our relationships as a way of gauging what kind of messages our family and friends might be receiving by our actions. Maybe we should use it as a tool to examine our motives versus a tool to judge the actions of others.
Performance cannot be the basis of our relationships with spouses, children, family, friends, strangers, etc. A poor performance based on our standards need not limit love. Why? Because with God it is possible to love even the most unlovable. And with God it is possible to forgive the unforgiveable. And with God we can recognize our own brokenness and our own need for love and forgiveness. And we can then receive that love and forgiveness God offers to all of us and in turn offer it to our children, family, friends, neighbors, and yes, even our enemies.
If you read any of Dr. Kevin Lehman's books (and I highly recommend them) or any of the materials of Parenting By Design (I love them!!- check them out www.parentingbydesign.com) then you know that empathy must be part of reality based parenting. You also will be reminded that failure is a good thing.
If you struggle with empathy or there is some other reason you feel you haven't quite got your parenting legs under you yet, then I hope you will join me today as I do one thing:
Absolutely Nothing Right Away. That's right. I am going to sit back and when my child does something that triggers the opposite of empathy inside of me I am going to do nothing right away but pray and ask God for what my response should be next. Because my child's day need not be void of empathy. My child's life need not be about always being right and never needing or wanting or making mistakes. And that is reality if I choose to yield to Christ and his reality.
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32, ESV
No comments:
Post a Comment